Myth Lies Between Dreams And Reality

Scared.

2007-03-26T03:20:02Z

Everything seems to be wrong right now. Everything feels wrong.

I signed the lease today for my apartment. I love the apartment. Yet I feel akward. I feel out of place. I feel alone.

I am sick of being alone. And I am scared of what I have done...and scared of the future it brings.

Ease on down the road.

2007-03-14T05:04:39Z

Things are going pretty decent lately.

I have a new job. The job itself is pretty boring, but I'm really efficient at it so the time don't go by too slow. I also work with really awesome people and the pay rocks.

I'm moving in to my first ever 1 bedroom apartment all on my own. It was more expensive than I planned to spend, but I fell in love with it. I honestly didn't expect my credit score to be good enough to get the place, but the guy liked me and I put down the deposit today! I can move in anytime. I'm so happy to finally have my OWN place. Everyone needs to come visit now, I have plenty of room. Especially given that I also have NO furniture. :P

Flying home tomorrow night!

See you all soon!

Oakenfold

2007-02-01T00:23:44Z

Going to see Paul Oakenfold and Sandra Collins in Hollywood next Tuesday. Yay!!!

Year In Review

2007-01-22T05:23:26Z

I realized I didn't do my LJ year in review yet. So here you are, the first posts from each month.

January: (Wow, I started my year out great...)
I was going to try to write my new years resolutions, but I'm too hungover to even think straight.

February: (Yep, my first post in February was on Valentine's Day, or as I call it, VD...like the DISEASE.)
Tonight! My place. Everyone is welcome to join me to hang out, maybe watch some movies, order in some chinese (or go to the good ol buffet). Post on here if you can come and I'll arrange for transportation, or call me, eh whatever works, you know the drill.

March: (Two posts, and both were memorable in their own ways.)
HI I'M MELISSA AND I WANT TO LIVE IN A BUBBLE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE!

"Ewwww....bugs..."

&

I have never understood when people said they were so happy they cried.

I learned today.

April: (Wow, this is a long one...pretty much still true in some ways.)
I'm sick and tired of your bullshit. Everything you have put me through, everything we have been through, everything you now blame me for. Because somehow I "ripped your head off" and you won't tell me what that means. You assume that I should know what I did, but how can I when you won't talk to me? How am I supposed to understand how it turned from "we made our mistakes, we must accept the consequences," to me being the only one who hurt anyone here? Do you seriously think that I was just out to hurt you? Do you seriously believe that my only intent was to break up your friendships and relationships? Because if that's what you think, then you never really listened to a word I ever had to say. You're right, we can't undo what was done. And I wouldn't want to have missed out on what we had, regardless of how it has turned out - because every second that I was with you I held sacred. Regardless of the fact that my love was obviously not meant for you, I gave it. Regardless of how it was "returned," or promised to be returned, and then not ever returned - I cherished the time you gave me. You hurt me so many times, with your false promises, your lying, and talking shit about me behind my back. You have hurt me, but I guess I deserve it for whatever it is that you believe I did to you. Are you just trying to put the blame somewhere to make you feel better about what happened? I was the horrible person who somehow "forced" you to have second thoughts about your current relationship, who "made" you cheat, who was just out to "steal" you away from her. If that's how you want to feel, then fine, I can't change your mind. But just remember all those times when I sat with you in your vehicle, or walked with you, and listened to the problems you were having. Did I automatically say "oh just dump her and go out with me"? No. I suggested things to try, stuff to say, ways to act, anything I could think of to make you and her happy. Granted, at times when you mentioned how she treated you I would get frustrated, and my emotions got in the way, and I told you as much - and I have said that you could do better. Not necessarily with me - just better - someone who appreciates everything you have to give, and doesn't take it for granted. But in any case, you two decided that you really did love eachother, and needed eachother, and are "engaged/married" on Facebook - that makes it official now. And now you just keep pushing me further away, into just friends, to just classmates, and now to just acquaintances - maybe. I've told you that I'm over you - and I'm not, and I know that, and I know you know it even though I say otherwise. Despite everything, I can't just stop caring. Even if I want to, I can't. But I can restrain myself. I can keep from doing anything with you. So why keep pushing me away? Is it for yourself? Do you not trust yourself? Or are you just using it as a scapegoat for something else? Do you really just hate me that much now and are tying to find a "nice" way to cut me off? For god's sake, I'm moving 2,000 miles away, isn't that good enough for you? I'm putting up with my family going fucking mad over this, and yet I know it has to be done if there's ever any chance that we can, at the least, be acquaintances again, and for you to mend things with her. Secretly I hope she will find someone else while she's away - so you can feel what I'm going through - being the third wheel, feeling left behind, and used. Used, and then tossed aside like you have no feelings. Yet I know that I want you to be happy...and since it's obviously not with me, and you are so adamant on being with her, then I hope you're happy with her. I just really wish I didn't have to put up with all the bullshit along the way for it to end like this.

May: (This one is more light, I swear)
Today is my official last full day in Winona. I'm not quite as excited as I should be...I met a guy last week and so now I'm a bit torn on leaving because he is such a sweetie. I'm hoping they send me back for training soon so I can spend more time with him, and more time with my friends and siblings.

OH for those who have yet to be informed: I took a job through fastenal at a new branch in costa mesa. AKA, I will not be working for the gaming company. Yes, that's sad...but at the same time, I'll be making twice as much money as an assistant general manager, so I really can't complain. I will be able to live comfortably and not have to worry too much about money issues, I'll have plenty left over after rent and bills to be able to actually start saving some above and beyond spending money whenever I want. First thing will be a car though. DAMN I need a new one so bad. So that's first on my list of stuff to by myself.

A bonus for the job is that I get to fly back here for training, as I mentioned above, and it's all paid for too. Guess it works out well that Fastenal is based out of Winona, so I have basically a free ticket home every couple of months. That'll make my family happy.

Other than that, I have a lot to do today, so once my clothes are dry I'm off! My phone number will be the same in case you were wondering.

And for those who don't know what direction they want to go, or are sick of winona...all I have to say is...MOVE TO CALI! Hee hee.

June: (My life seems to be on the upside...)
Ah, i love looking in my checking and seeing that over 1k has been deposited. And after rent I'll still have around 500 dollars for starting to get that damn credit card paid off, as well as buying food besides ramen! Then the next check will go mostly towards the car accident I had a few weeks back. I like having an old car cause then I don't have to bother paying to get mine fixed - I just have to cover the other guy's retarded cracked bumper on his brand new 2006 ugly ass vehicle. Damn you cali's and your expensive cars...

Other than that, work isn't too bad, going out to eat tonight with my manager to celebrate our first month (our sales were awesome for a branch just starting out...it's all thanks to him but I'll take a free meal either way...that stocking was hard work). I've been cycle counting now and it's annoying because the hub sent us rediculous amounts of stupid crap like washers - way more than we need - and not enough of easy stuff like gloves. Bah.

Everyone nag Jason to buy me tickets back home sometime in June. Otherwise I'll be back probably July 10-21st for training. And I'll also probably be back in August for goodview days...either that or come back labor day weekend. Haven't decided for sure yet what I want to do.

Ah, the powers of the internet at work. What a relaxing break from running around the store all day. Okay, off to set up some displays.

July: (Still on the incline...)
Found a place to live and put in my application - and found out my credit score really is as bad as I thought it was. So I talked with them, they're gonna discuss letting me pay a higher deposit, and hopefully I'll be moving in there tomorrow. Everyone cross your fingers for me!

Convinced my boss to up my starting pay at the new position an extra $100 dollars because my rent is a bit more spendy at the place I found - but it's well worth it! The place is really nice, the community it's in is nice, it's 4 minutes from work, and I even get a garage for my car! Not like this car needs it - but when I get my xterra in november - it'll be great to have that vehicle secure at night.

I'm also starting to meet more people, getting in with a nerdy D&D group, and enjoying myself much more down here. But I'm still anxious to come back home!

August: (Well, I think things about leveled out at this point in time...)
I finally have internet at work and at home again. Life is good. Granted, I don't mind a few days without internet - but it was just really bad timing. I had bills to pay, people trying to contact me via email, etc...

But one good thing came out of the deal - Ian's brother Chris was really happy that I got stuff fixed, and it prompted him to ask if I want to run his character through battlegrounds after work a few days a week. I told him I had like - NO experience with BG, and he said he'd show me everything. So yay! That will be fun.

Other than that, not much else is new. Just the briefs:
Ian and I had our 1 month thingy yesterday.
I started exercising again.
We're getting another cat.
I get my CA license today.
I'm setting up my room today - finally.
D&D tonight - My sorceress rocks.
Work is still blah.
I decided to go back to school as a music major.

September: (Mmm, subtley the downfall begins...)
I have sucessfully exercised and ate decent 2 days in a row. Only 20 days of this rigorous diet/exercise routine to go and then I'll cut back to exercising 3 times a week and 1 shake/2 meals a day. Unless I see massive results these next 3 weeks, then maybe I'll try hard to stick to it longer. Yay motivation...evil motivation but nonetheless...it's working.

October: (Yep, definitely not a great day.)
men suck.

and i think i'm out of a place to live now.

fuck it all.

November: (Back at the bottom again.)
I emailed him today - told him that he's just been bringing me down lately.

Don't know if I'll get a response, email or phone.

Kinda hurts...but it's for the better. Either we talk and work things out, or we don't talk and I can start to move on/take a break from him the best I can.

And yes this is completely out of the blue.

December: (And I may be trying to be optimistic but I'm still at the bottom.)
For now, I am almost positive that I have the job at Blizzard. Won't start until the 12th though so I'm going to a temp agency this afternoon. But it's the job I originally moved out here for, so I hope I get it. Maybe I'll be happier with my life. Maybe not. Who knows. Either way I'll have to get a second job to come close to making what I was making at fastenal. But that's okay. This is lifes way of saying "REALITY CHECK!" in an abrupt and unexpected twist. I just have to deal with it. I'll get through this. I have to.

FYI

2006-12-31T22:27:41Z

Party is still on! Come over around 9ish, call if you need directions.

Bring your own, or be willing to pitch in a few bucks for booze when you get here. We have: Mich Golden Light, Vodka, Malibu Rum, Pineapple Rum, Wine, Champagne, and the various cola/juices for mixing.

NEW YEARS EVE!

2006-12-23T17:11:29Z

Party Party Party!

Tentatively planned party that Tony and I are throwing at his apartment on New Years Eve. We're planning on having drinks (I'd like to make a wop), card games, beer bong, beer pong (I'm gonna make the table!), and tons of fun of course! Call me or post here if you're interested in coming so we can figure out how many to plan for.

Ciao!

Go go go...

2006-12-21T21:21:44Z

Go faster time! Go faster! I'm excited to come home. I bought a bunch of clothes today for my grandma to give me for christmas. XP

I'm way way way too hyper. I think it's the Jamba Juice.

GO GO GO!!!

6 Random Facts

2006-12-15T05:45:33Z

Post 6 different random facts about yourself, and then tag 6 people to continue it.

1.) I'm a pervert.
2.) My grandparents drive me insane but I secretly am really scared of the fact that they are getting older and will be gone someday.
3.) I have 15 years experience, but I only like playing piano when it's not an obligation.
4.) I like to verbally debate. A LOT.
5.) I like using big words a lot, and use dictionary.com to look up new words to find ways to incorporate them into conversation so I look smart.
6.) I really really really really miss college. Though I know I'd hate it once again if I went back.

Tag: alexiel_morgana, demonix_jackal, maikatellumaiel, mexidancer, i_hollywould, pixypixymisa

Oh man...

2006-12-14T15:55:56Z

I offically have decided I want this job permanently. It's only a 2 day temp job though.

Here's the deal. All I do is answer the phone and transfer calls. And they ENCOURAGED that I play around on the net. O_O I'm dead serious. Yay for playing receptionist!!! And I have coffee so I'm totally wired.

Huzzah!!!

Still no luck.

2006-12-09T21:58:41Z

It's been a week now, and I haven't found a day job. I did get a night job working 4 nights a week delivering pizza. Halfway decent tips. Pretty high paced environment so I like that. And I get to drive my Xterra. Nuff said.

As for the day job search, I had one interview, and he ended up hiring someone else he interviewed after me. So I have another interview set up on Monday. Right now I may just ask for temp positions until christmas, because I don't know how many places want to hire someone right now who's going to be gone for 11 days right after starting work. Blizzard said the same thing, though I could still take their training class after christmas, so I'd say by mid January I'll at least have something. Fingers crossed that I can make ends meet until then.

Life has been a rollercoaster as per usual lately. But not in the regular way for me. More in an...enlightening way. When I get frustrated with the job search I try to put it in perspective. Same with the other things in life that bother me, I've been trying to see stuff in a new light. I think it helps that I have a good group of friends now, who are very supportive and fun to be around. I can feel the change in the wind right around the corner...

La dee da...

2006-12-02T16:29:41Z

Well my mother now knows. It went exactly how I thought it would. Horribly.

She basically was screaming at me. I could barely get a word in edgewise to tell her that I already have another job, as well as work at a temp agency. It was pretty horrid. I hope to god she doesn't wonder "why didn't she call me on thursday when she got fired to talk to me about it? Why did she call Dee instead?" Well mom, I called Dee because I knew she would talk to me like a HUMAN BEING and not just yell and scream about the opportunity of a lifetime that I just fucked up. I KNOW I FUCKED UP. But telling me that isn't getting me the job back. She makes me so angry it makes me physically hurt at times...like now. I tried calling a few people just to talk, no one answered. I'm kind of shaken right now. So I guess I'll just write in here in hopes that it eases me a bit.

In all reality, yes this does suck major balls money wise. And if I want to make the same amount of money, I'm gonna have to get a second job - most likely waitressing. Which I don't mind. I'm going to go for the "higher end" restuarants this time around. Olive Garden is right down the road. There's also a Chili's near by. I think working at a more well known restaurant will hopefully mean more tips. I'm going out this afternoon to pick up applications once my horrid morning scratchy voice goes away.

Bottom line - if I can't make it work, I'm also re-applying to Winona State for spring. AKA, worse comes to worst, I'll just drive home in January. I'm not giving up this vehicle for nothing. Either I make it work out here or I don't. Simple as that.

Le Sigh.

2006-12-01T00:46:44Z

Or maybe you will see me again.

I just got fired from Fastenal.

I am unemployed with over $1,000 in JUST BILLS AND RENT a month.

I am lost.

OMG.

2006-11-30T00:20:59Z

FRUITY LOOPS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thou shalt never see me again until I am a platinum DJ traveling around the world.

Day Two.

2006-11-29T16:17:52Z

So it's day two of my "coughing up a lung" fit. I've went through an ENTIRE bottle of NyQuil. Also drank all my juice. So now I get to go out and spread my SARS, as Tony declares that I have, unto the population of Orange while I get more juice and cough syrup. Hopefully I don't keel over or cough myself to death in the process. If only sick days were...less sick and more day. ;)

Concert!

2006-11-26T22:04:13Z

Wow, last night was CRAZY.

I went to the Paul Oakenfold concert, and mingled in the back at the merch table. I made friends with the guy, and now I have a new job as a merch chick on the weekends for concerts in Hollywood. Funny how easy it is to meet just the right person who has all the connections. Through meeting this guy, I also got to meet Paul Oakenfold, get stuff signed, and got free drinks all night. The only bummer for the night was the fact that I lost my memory card in my camera - which had over 200 pictures on it, most of which were AWESOME pics I got of Paul. And the only pic I had of Bob, the merch guy. T_T But damn, besides that, I think that was the most fun I've had YET in California. It's nice to be back in the music scene. It's really opened me up to realize how much I really LOVE music.

Best part of the night - I made Bob promise that if he dies I get to be Paul's full time merch chick in his place. :) Can you imagine? Traveling around the world for a living? Seeing the sites? God, it would seriously be a dream come true. DREAM COME TRUE. I'm ecstatic.

Rollercoaster.

2006-11-24T18:32:49Z

My emotions have been an out of control rollercoaster lately. One day I'm overly happy, the next I don't see the point of even being alive. I even have friends down here now that actually call me to go do stuff, and I still just get these mood swings.

I need to find a hobby of some sort, to take my mind off of...well...everything.

I stood in line for 40 minutes today at Best Buy. That's right. I went shopping the day after Thanksgiving. Only because there was an MP3 player that I wanted. And I got to the store, and asked if they had sold out, and the lady had said yeah. So I turned to leave, and on one of their counters, I saw the MP3 player. So I looked around, picked it up, and bought it. Yay! I was going to buy it for my brother, but I think I'm gonna keep it for myself and get him a 512mb one instead of a 1gb one. He doesn't need 250 songs on it. Lord knows he probably doesn't even KNOW that many songs. I was going to buy myself a 5gb one that walmart had on sale today, but of course they were sold out right away. Sucky.

Le sigh, what a pointless day to be at work.

In an odd turn of events...

2006-11-23T19:01:11Z

Despite my original plan of watching season 4 of X-Files all day long and possibly going to Denny's (the restaurant) by myself for the Thanksgiving Special, I actually have something going on today! My newish friend Janae invited me to go with her to her family dinner. I'm quite nervous since I've never really been in a situation like this where I'm going to another persons family get together. I hope it goes well. Janae is a really cool girl and I really appreciate her thinking about me and inviting me.

I hope everyone has a Happy Turkey Day!

Well holy shit.

2006-11-20T15:28:10Z

Yes, Winona is definitely a soap opera. That's all there is to it. I don't need hollywood, I just need to go back home for a week. Fortunately last weeks episode had an okay ending. Not entirely conclusive, but I'm pretty content and happy as of now.

Then again, that may be due to my brave move last night of MEETING PEOPLE in my apartment complex. I now know people in 3 apartments. Only got 5 hours of sleep last night but it was worth it. :)

Once in a lifetime moments.

2006-11-18T09:40:35Z

I would be content if I were to die right now.

Ah.....

2006-11-15T05:18:41Z

Alcohol makes the pain go away.

Fuck.

2006-11-13T05:37:50Z

I ALWAYS MANAGE TO FUCK EVERYTHING UP. ALWAYS.

^.^

2006-11-11T20:23:39Z

Guess where I am. ;)

So Cal

2006-11-07T16:00:38Z

My observations on my transition into a warmer climate:

- It was 97 degrees yesterday, and I was outside, wearing a hoodie and jeans. I was comfortable, and didn't even break a sweat.

- When I got done exercising, I walked outside, and it felt somewhat cool. It was 87 degrees.

- People out here declare it to be cold when it's in the 70's or cooler. I'm starting to feel chilled when it's in the low 70's now.

- I'm nervous about going home into Minnesota weather. I think I'm going to freeze to death now that I've gotten used to the california weather.

I've got some big nuts.

2006-11-06T16:44:22Z

Yes. I have big nuts. And they are making my job hard.

In all seriousness, I'm frustrated because Josh has put off drilling the hole in the counter for the bar on the hardness tester to go down into so I can test the nuts that are 3/4" and bigger. And we have quite a bunch of them, so now they're laying all around my office. I'M SURROUNDED BY NUTS!!!!

If only.

Besides my nut problem, I'm otherwise content. I got my internet back at home, as well as cable, so I pretty much didn't leave the house all weekend besides walking to trader joes to buy some much needed basic food necessities. Only problem was I bought more than I planned to, and had to walk back with 4 bags of food. My shoulders hurt from it...but hey at least I got a minute amount of exercise this weekend. Woohoo!

Chris is coming to visit the store in January. Yay! Chris is the head boss of quality control at fastenal, and also is a friend of the family. His wife is pregnant with their first kid so he's been pretty giddy lately. It'll be cool to see him in person after 10 months (last time I saw him was a month or so before I left for cali). I'll make him go out to dinner with me one night. :D

I have an interview wednesday to teach piano lessons. I'm really excited for that - it's been years since I taught, and that would be an awesome side job.

I probably have more to talk about but I'm drawing a blank...I suppose I should work a little bit today. XD

I'm bored, and gaia isn't working.

2006-10-31T23:17:32Z

Do you have the following in your room:

Cell phone: --- yes
Condoms: --- lots
Chair/stool: --- no
Book shelf: --- cinder blocks and boards
Dresser: --- no
Computer/laptop: 2 actually
Bean bag: --- no
pictures: --- none on the walls yet
Mirror: --- nope
Skateboard: --- no it's back at my parents
Bed: --- no, futon

Clothes on the floor: -- small closet, so usually they flow out
Plastic Giraffe: --- no
Surfboard: --- no
Smoke detector: --- yes but it's broken
Piano/or/keyboard/or/gutiar/or/bass/or/drums: --- my keyboard is at tony's
Bottle of water: --- no
A blacklight: --- no
Medals/ribbons: --- no
Awards: --- no
Sports equipment: --- no
CDs: --- a few lying around
Flag: -- no
Stop sign/any sign: --- I used to have a yellow sign, dunno where it went though.
Caution tape: --- no
Paintball gun: --- no
Real Gun: --- no
Cigarettes: --- probably
Pot --- no
Candle: --- yes
Books: --- many
Nintendo: ---- no
Game Cube: no
PS2: --- no
Xbox: --- no
Bike: --- no, it used to be though till i moved it to the garage.
Stereo: -- no
Television: --- yes
Lighter: -- yes
Gum: --- probably
Alcohol-- not in my room
...................................................

How many windows do you have in ur room?
--- 1

Hardwood floor, tile, or carpet?
--- carpet

Do you get ready for the day in your room or the bathroom?
--- both

What color is your bed sheet?
--- don't have sheets

What's on your walls?
--- nothing right now

Has the opposite sex been in your room before?
--- in this room...only paul who helped me move in.